Some thoughts as an occasional care giver
I wrote these thoughts about 2 weeks ago on my 750 blog and I thought that I might share these thoiughts with the rest of the world if they are interested. I am usually not so negitve but I was really tired that evening. Please comment!!
Well here goes. Today is my last day in San Antonio caring for my 95 year old dad. My 3 sisters and I trade off so that no one has to use too much time and run out of FMLA time. Dad lives at home and is blind and hard of hearing so needs someone to stay with him. We have been doing this for 3 years and it is really hard to to keep doing this. At least it is for me. When my sisters and I started caring for dad, our mother had just passed away. He was losing his eyesight and was having a hard time dealing with the loss of mom. Like many men of a certain age group he had had a women caring for him his entire life. He married late in life, 32 years old to our mom and she like him was raised to know a womens place. Mom had supper on the table, and lipstick refreshed as he came in the door at 530 every evening.
So when she was gone, he was like a ship without a tiller and so we took it upon ourselves to elp him through his grief and to get him back on his feet. Little did we know that it was "A TRAP". Now he is 95, mostly blind, hard of hearing and as stubborn as a mule when you try and help him help himself. We are constantly berated nmot to let him fall but he wll not allow us to use the techniques that PT taught us to help move him. I don't know if it is that he can't remember or what but everytime he needs to move or do something all he does is say well I can't see it so you need to do it for me. I have started to not do things for him if it is some thing that he can do without danger.
He gets upset if I don't take off his shirt or hand him a tissue when the tissue box is roght next to him. Right now, he is doing his exercises and as he finishes with his hand wieghts and bands he needs one of us to take them, even though he has the entire couch to put them on. Everything in its place and a place for everything is his motto to the frustration of all around him.
His health is great for someone his age and at this rate he will out live all 4 of us because caring for him is slowly killing the rest of us. He expects all of us to do everything yesterday. When he asks for us to do something he does not stop talking to hear our answer then gets angry when we don't answer. The having to raise your voice to him and yell(he won't wear his hearing aids) to get through his constant chatter has given at least 2 of us high blood pressure that is only evident when we have been to dads for a month.
A few months ago we ,4 sisters, got together and had a long talk about what was going on and how we saw it. It was funny that the two oldest and the youngeest saw dad as bascially a male chuavinst that feels like women have no value. We all feel like he is taking what he expects and even his thank yous are insincere, as they can turn to berating in a flash. I do not know if this is caused by a developing dementia or that it is just him and that he has always.has been a demanding person. Back to the topic at hand, the third sister I know was upset by our almost angry assessment of dad and how he treated mom and his expectations. She said that her memories of him and her expirences with him are not of a hard and stubborn person but of a funny and caring person.
My sojourn as a caregiver to dad has made me rethink the practice of the American Indians that when the elderly feel that they are no longer of a use to the family and the group they walk off into the wilderness to die. I know that dad is tried and 'lonely" but his stubborn pride will not let him go out to eat meals at the church with the other Seniors. We tried to get him a companion from this group that sends out older people to visit with other elderly but he would not have a stranger in the house. I am surprised that he lets Alta come and help him but at first he did not want her either. It was only when we told him that both his brothers have help that he relented and lets her do things for him.
Well here goes. Today is my last day in San Antonio caring for my 95 year old dad. My 3 sisters and I trade off so that no one has to use too much time and run out of FMLA time. Dad lives at home and is blind and hard of hearing so needs someone to stay with him. We have been doing this for 3 years and it is really hard to to keep doing this. At least it is for me. When my sisters and I started caring for dad, our mother had just passed away. He was losing his eyesight and was having a hard time dealing with the loss of mom. Like many men of a certain age group he had had a women caring for him his entire life. He married late in life, 32 years old to our mom and she like him was raised to know a womens place. Mom had supper on the table, and lipstick refreshed as he came in the door at 530 every evening.
So when she was gone, he was like a ship without a tiller and so we took it upon ourselves to elp him through his grief and to get him back on his feet. Little did we know that it was "A TRAP". Now he is 95, mostly blind, hard of hearing and as stubborn as a mule when you try and help him help himself. We are constantly berated nmot to let him fall but he wll not allow us to use the techniques that PT taught us to help move him. I don't know if it is that he can't remember or what but everytime he needs to move or do something all he does is say well I can't see it so you need to do it for me. I have started to not do things for him if it is some thing that he can do without danger.
He gets upset if I don't take off his shirt or hand him a tissue when the tissue box is roght next to him. Right now, he is doing his exercises and as he finishes with his hand wieghts and bands he needs one of us to take them, even though he has the entire couch to put them on. Everything in its place and a place for everything is his motto to the frustration of all around him.
His health is great for someone his age and at this rate he will out live all 4 of us because caring for him is slowly killing the rest of us. He expects all of us to do everything yesterday. When he asks for us to do something he does not stop talking to hear our answer then gets angry when we don't answer. The having to raise your voice to him and yell(he won't wear his hearing aids) to get through his constant chatter has given at least 2 of us high blood pressure that is only evident when we have been to dads for a month.
A few months ago we ,4 sisters, got together and had a long talk about what was going on and how we saw it. It was funny that the two oldest and the youngeest saw dad as bascially a male chuavinst that feels like women have no value. We all feel like he is taking what he expects and even his thank yous are insincere, as they can turn to berating in a flash. I do not know if this is caused by a developing dementia or that it is just him and that he has always.has been a demanding person. Back to the topic at hand, the third sister I know was upset by our almost angry assessment of dad and how he treated mom and his expectations. She said that her memories of him and her expirences with him are not of a hard and stubborn person but of a funny and caring person.
My sojourn as a caregiver to dad has made me rethink the practice of the American Indians that when the elderly feel that they are no longer of a use to the family and the group they walk off into the wilderness to die. I know that dad is tried and 'lonely" but his stubborn pride will not let him go out to eat meals at the church with the other Seniors. We tried to get him a companion from this group that sends out older people to visit with other elderly but he would not have a stranger in the house. I am surprised that he lets Alta come and help him but at first he did not want her either. It was only when we told him that both his brothers have help that he relented and lets her do things for him.
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